About childhood trauma

Sometimes anxiety can have deep-seated roots.  Childhood trauma can result from specific events that a young person was unable to integrate successfully into their experience.  In an effort to survive the shock or pain caused by the event, a child will freeze the part of themselves that was emotionally impacted.

Sometimes trauma can result from a continual situation, one in which the child’s needs were repeatedly not met, or were belittled, or seemed somehow threatening to the caregiver in a child’s life, and therefore to the child herself.  These are a few examples of how trauma can take place.

Current events in your life may trigger childhood trauma

While many, many people do successfully survive traumatic experiences and go on to become functioning adults, these experiences or situations can leave a residual tendency toward anxiety in the person.  Sometimes, when a person’s life changes in a way that reverberates with earlier traumatic experience, they may experience an inexplicable sense of anxiety.

Sometimes, for example, a relationship break-up, a job loss, or even a promotion or success in the world which causes the person to feel uneasy as she faces doubts about her worth or competence caused by earlier traumatic wounds, are just a few examples of the kinds of situations that might trigger past trauma.

Therapy, Anxiety and  treating Childhood Trauma

Most of this blog is dedicated to self-help–to ways that you can work with anxiety in your life successfully.  It is also dedicated to the good news about anxiety.  There are times, though, especially if traumatic experiences are at the root of this anxiety, when getting support from a therapist can be quite useful–and that in itself is good news!  A good therapist can help you contact the frozen place inside and give you the positive support you need to free yourself of the freeze and the way that the effects of trauma get acted out unconsciously in your present life.  It can also help you to use your new found resources to live your life with greater freedom and ease.

Treating anxiety

The other good news is that it is often not necessary to contact the specific traumatic event(s) or situation that caused the trauma.  Finding the frozen place inside you and learning to nurture it with love, kindness and compassion, can be very effective in freeing you of the constrictions that you may now feel.  This, along with the support, kindness and honest reflection to you of your strengths and good qualities–something that a skilled therapist can offer you–can truly bring about a significant change in your level of happiness and self-confidence.

Anxiety, Loss and Acceptance

Finally, the other good news about anxiety is that all of us experience loss and sorrow in life, and these can sometimes cause us to feel anxious, because we may not want to experience them.  However, this does not necessarily mean that anything traumatic is operating in your life.  The more you can gently allow yourself to accept, to be with, the pain that life inevitably brings, the more you can experience your life with freedom and real ease.

For most of us anxiety is a collection of thoughts that run repeatedly in our minds.  They are like tape recordings that we recycle again and again.  The excessive air time that they get in our minds can give us the false impression that they are reality itself.  When this happens, we get even more afraid and try to run from what we have created in our own minds.  Then we feel even more confused and anxious, in part because we are running from a phantom that we ourselves have created.  No wonder we feel anxious!

An Example of How We Construct Anxiety and Panic

Let’s take an example.  I think, let’s say, “I have a pain in my chest.”  Then I wonder what it could mean.  Perhaps, because of stories I’ve heard of people who have had heart attacks, I think, “Maybe this is an early sign that I’m about to have a heart attack.”  If I give this a lot of time, replaying it again and again in my mind, I can become quite anxious.  The more I repeat this possibility, and focus on it, the more remote the multitude of other possible explanations become.  Now I am growing more convinced that this is a serious situation, and perhaps to prove this, I notice that I have more pain in my chest.  This really frightens me, and I become overwhelmed by my own claustrophobic scenario, and begin to panic.

How to Deconstruct Anxiety and Panic

After visiting my doctor, I learn that all the tests she gave me for heart problems have come out normal.  She may even then tell me that chest pain can often be caused by anxiety.  Ah ha.  I may be less likely to believe my mind the next time it throws up a catastrophic scenario for me to consider.

Of course, sometimes our worst case scenarios actually do turn out to be true; for instance, maybe I really was about to have a heart attack.  But if you are someone who feels anxious fairly often, the likelihood that all of your worst case scenarios will prove true is pretty remote.

Looking the Anxious Thoughts in the Face

One great way to talk back to anxiety is to sit back and just notice it and see how it operates.  I might say, in this situation, “I see, I’m wondering what could be the cause of this pain and I am speculating immediately about the most dire possible cause.  How interesting.  This is just a thought.  That’s all.  And I know that I can get particularly hooked by scary, catastrophic thoughts.  It’s kind of my habit to do this.  So, in order to not get hooked, I’m just going to notice this tendency of mine to frighten myself.  After I say this, I will allow other thoughts, sensations, interests, and so on, to have equal air time.  Or I might consider other possible causes for my chest pain, such as, a pulled muscle in my chest, heart burn from indigestion, anxiety about my upcoming school exam.   Simply panning back from my tunnel vision, and taking a more spacious perspective on what’s happening can bring real relief.

Practice Saying Goodbye to Anxiety

The key to all this is simply–practice!  The more you challenge your anxious thoughts in this way, the more you can lessen the hold of anxiety on you.  In time, you can often see anxiety as it’s approaching and say, “Hi, I know you, but I don’t think I want to go where you’re going.”

A very intriguing way of discovering what anxiety is trying to tell us is by getting to know the unique cast of inner characters that we each carry inside us.  When you say ‘part of me feels this way, but another part feels that way,’ you’re touching on the multiplicity of voices or characters that live within each of us.

Very often the voice of anxiety comes from those parts of ourselves that are trying to protect our tender feelings from being hurt.  To give you an example–let’s say a little girl really misses her mother’s attention and love.  Every time she tries to get it, she gets disappointed and hurt.  To protect this vulnerable place inside herself, another part of her being will tell her that it’s dangerous to reach out for love.  Over time, this little girl may begin to feel that whenever she really most needs her mother’s love and tenderness she is in danger.

As time goes on, she may so suppress that need for love when she begins to feel it surface that she doesn’t even know what it is.  All she experiences is that for some unknown reason she is anxious.  In time, even experiencing love for someone may become taboo in her psyche.  This is one way in which anxiety can get set in motion as a force in psyche.

As you can imagine, when that girl grows up, experiencing intimacy in relationships, or the need for it, may provoke in her an anxiety that is far more intense than the situation seems to merit.  It is the voice of a little girl and her innocent effort to protect her heart from hurt that is experiencing this anxiety, not the adult who want the give and take of an equal partnership.

Inquiring into what anxiety is trying to tell you can be a valuable way to get to know yourself and to take the power out of anxiety.

Coming attractions:  Learning how to talk back to anxiety.

As an alternative to the spiral of anxiety, I often introduce my clients to the possibility of cultivating curiosity.  Anxiety is fear based.  Curiosity, on the other hand, is based on openness and exploration.  It’s based on the confidence that in the moment we can handle what arises, what the future will bring.

Bringing Openness to Anxiety

Ironically, anxiety keeps us locked in our personal tunnel vision and often exhausts us.  By contrast, relaxing and being open and curious about the future–whether it’s a date, a job hunt, or a health concern–gives us more clarity and energy to deal with the situation as it unfolds.

I always encourage my clients to trust that they have the inner resources to deal with life.  This could include their having the confidence to accept a situation, knowing they’ll be able to handle it, or it could mean having the confidence to question or even reject a situation when it truly is toxic for them, or goes against their deepest values.  As they do begin to do this, they usually want to replace their habits of worry and anxiety with new habits that can keep them in balance, aware and at ease.  Life can begin to become an adventure, rather than a mine field.

Often when clients come in with concerns about the future or about their sense of inadequacy, I ask them to describe things that they have done in their lives, situations they’ve had to deal with.  It’s amazing to me that very often people reveal all kinds of wonderful qualities as they answer my questions, but they are putting such a negative or judgmental spin on themselves that they are unaware of the many good qualities they are describing to me!

Undoing Anxiety by Seeing Yourself More Accurately

At the end of their description, I repeat to them what they have told me, but without the devaluing judgments in which they coated their description.  Then I ask them,  “What would you say about a person like this?” or “How would you describe a person who handled a difficult situation like this?”  To their own amazement, they find that they have to say very positive things about that very person–themselves–that they have just been criticizing.

Getting a more accurate assessment of your own qualities is something that you can try at home, especially if you find yourself paralyzed or limited by negative thoughts about yourself.  Try talking to yourself as though you were a close friend, and see what your close friend thinks about you, and what you’ve done.  You may be surprised by your friend’s perspective.  It might give you new insights into yourself and your worth.

Don’t be afraid to enjoy this process if you‘re tempted to!  And remember–just the facts.

It seems that many spiritual traditions have noticed the same thing about our thinking mind–it’s a great servant, but it’s not really the boss.  It isn’t really the one in charge of the big picture.  Our minds have incredible capacity to serve our aspirations, to bring them to life, but on its own, all our thinking mind does is think…and think.  Sometimes when this happens, we can begin to feel anxious.

Anxiety vs. Radical Acceptance of Uncertainty

Often anxiety arises when the future is unknown, or uncertain. For our sense of security and safety, many of us want to know how things are going to shape up before they happen.  When we feel uncertain, we worry,  we get anxious.  Our minds may even go over the same material again and again, trying to get certainty in a situation where certainty is impossible.

Anxiety is often born of our unsuccessful attempts to ascertain how something will shape up.  In the absence of knowledge we provide our own worst case scenario and fret that we have know way of knowing ahead of time that this isn’t going to come true.

One of most effective ways to deal with anxiety in this situation is to just accept the uncertainty of your situation for now.

Talking  Kindly to Anxiety and Accepting Uncertainty

This is a point where talking to our minds like a kind, calm and confident parent can be very useful.  We might say, I know you’re trying to keep me safe by running over the same story again and again, but really we can’t know how it will turn out.  This would be a great time to relax and just accept that the future is uncertain.  And, dear mind, this doesn’t mean that the future will be bad.  It just means that for now it’s unknown to us. Speaking in this way can actually reassure the little kid inside you and begin to settle her down.

When I was an adolescent an interesting man once said to me, “There is a big difference between being brave and being fearless.”  I pondered this, and finally asked him what he meant.  He explained that being fearless means that you have no fear and just enter a situation.  Being brave means that you may feel afraid, but that you choose to enter a situation anyway.

Accepting Anxiety in the Moment

There are some rare individuals that I have met who truly seemed fearless to me.  However, most of us, I suspect, may be more like the second type of individual–we may be afraid, but we chose, we decide, to enter a situation anyway.  Being brave doesn’t mean we’re cool and slick, like a cardboard cut-out hero.  We may be scared, but we’re willing to experience that discomfort in order to gain a greater objective.  We accept anxiety in the moment, because it’s worth the temporary discomfort.

If you look at it honestly, most of us are brave in this way.  We go for the job interview, we ask that interesting person out for a date, we take a risk and say what’s on our mind, even if our audience may not be in sympathy with our point of view.

Give Yourself Credit

Before we do these things, we may feel anxious.  That doesn’t mean that we are weak or abnormal.  In fact, it means that despite our fears, we are willing to risk the discomfort for a greater good.  When you look at it this way, there are many brave people in this world, doing brave things every day, and you are probably one of them.  Give yourself credit!

Get to Know Your Anxiety or Panic Attack

Most anxiety attacks start with a few simple thoughts.  They are usually “what if” kinds of thoughts, such as, “If I call up this person to ask for a date, they could say ‘no.’  They might even think I’m stupid or needy for calling them.  This is bound to be a painful experience.”  Thinking all of this in a fraction of a second, and–this is really to the point–assuming that these thoughts are true, can create an anxiety attack out of thin air!  Here’s another approach to this situation:

Taming Anxiety and Panic Attacks

Slow down your thoughts and break down your reactions:

1.  Notice what you were thinking just before the anxiety hit.  Often this is a thought that is so familiar to you, and seems so true, that you don’t even notice it.

2.  Look at the anxiety provoking thought and see if you are 100% certain it is true.

3.  Perhaps the anxiety provoking thought is, “I want to ask this person out for a date, but they’ll probably say ‘no,’ and if they do I will feel hopeless and embarrassed to ever see them again.  In fact, it will probably just prove that no one will ever care for me.  I’ll just be alone my whole life.”

4.  As you can see, these thoughts really stack the deck against you.  Here’s an alternative way of thinking about your situation:

1. I want to call this person up for a date.
2. They could say ‘no.’
3. They could also say ‘yes.’
4. In either case, if I don’t ask, I’ll never know.
5. If they say ‘yes,’ I might have the opportunity to get to know them better.
6. If they say ‘no,’ I’ll be disappointed, but it doesn’t mean that there’s something wrong with me.  It just means for whatever reason, they didn’t want to go out.  Maybe they’re afraid of opening their heart; maybe they’re preoccupied with other concerns; maybe this just wasn’t a good day to ask them out, but another day would work out better.

As you can see,  the second approach leaves you a lot of breathing space, literally and figuratively, and it doesn’t assume anything bad about you, or life, or fate.  This kind of self-talk can go a long way toward changing your view of this kind of situation.

If your past experience suggests to you that people reject you because you seem needy to them, this is the sort of issue that can be explored and treated very effectively in therapy.

You may find that you are imagining that they must be thinking this, without really knowing if there’s any truth to that.  If you have gotten feedback which suggests that you really do come across this way, we could explore what beliefs you have about relationships, and what you think an intimate relationship can give you.  You may find that these beliefs are colored by difficult childhood experiences where your needs were not met.   In any case, a therapeutic relationship can usually treat either of these situations effectively.

Undoing Anxiety and Panic Attacks by Questioning Your Thoughts

You can apply this same approach to any anxiety provoking situation or thought.  It can be fears about what might happen in the future, what a physical sensation might mean, what taking a risk of some kind might look like, and so on.   The main thing is to start looking at your thoughts, rather than believing them.  As a great bumper sticker I once saw said, “Don’t believe everything you think!”